Matthew Nath – Author

This Could Be Happening Now…

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Chapter 6

	All good?  Alright, well I don’t wanna leave you hanging so I’ll jump right back into my story.  After my dad caught me looking at the porn we had the talk.  “What you saw is normal but you saw a corrupt version of it.”“I looked at it when I was a kid.”“Everyone does it but you should try not to.”“It was pure evil, vile trash.”“Sex can be beautiful but it’s pretty hideous if you try do it.”  Just lots of conflicting messages.

	Then came my talk with my mom.  Oh wait, that never came.  She never talked, never objected, just sat and stared at the wall quietly.  Absently.  When he was done yelling and left the room, my mom just took me in her arms and held me.  Its weird but the only thing I remember about that hug is how soft her boobs felt against my body.  So that was a fun thought to try to work through in therapy later.  I still remember the smell of her shirt.  It was the same smell I recognized a few years later when I started smoking pot.

	Anyways, things continued more or less as normal, but they were completely different at the same time.  I didn’t have friends over anymore, didn’t go to friend’s houses either.  My life became a lot more closed off.  The friends even kept their distance at school, all of us unsure how to address the situation.  The two of them eventually seemed to reach an understanding that they were still cool, it was just me that was odd.  So I was cut off.

	I spent a couple years just kind of floundering.  No real friends at school, no real interests, couldn’t work, no money or any way of earning money, nothing.  I tried getting into my Bible like Aaron had, but it didn’t click for me.  When Aaron got a job he got a phone as well so my parents could check on him.  I asked if I could have one too.  I was twelve and could be responsible with it.  My parents reluctantly agreed. I was finally free.  

	I finally had a place to go to connect.  I could talk to people, share my thoughts, live a life far richer than anything I could ever have in person.  I fell deeper and deeper into online forums and communities.  Anything I was remotely interested in, I would ask someone to teach me about it.  I learned about plumbing, woodwork, board games, reading, gender expression, astrology, ancient Rome, comparative religions, and the machine.  My eyes were opened for the first time.

	I was thirteen when my mom left.  Looking back on it, I shouldn’t have been surprised.  The signs were all there.  What she first found exciting, became dull. There just wasn’t enough…new…stuff for her. You know?  She came from the city and was used to new things all the time. And my dad took her to a place that his family had owned for 4 generations.  Nothing had changed in that entire time.  It didn’t take her long to start to resent things.

	She started smoking pot as a way to cope, but it really just pulled her further and further away.  When the neighbors, and by default the entire town, caught her smoking on her back deck, our family was shut out.  A small group of elders confronted them after church one Sunday.  They said they were “concerned” but my mother knew what it really was. They didn’t like her or trust her and she resented them asking her to stop.  She refused, stating she would only smoke more now. 

	I remember that night clearly.  I don’t know if they were even aware that I was in the room, but my dad sat my mom at the kitchen table.  I remember her smile.  And her bloodshot eyes.  My dad said he was worried, but he loved her.  He wanted what was best for her.  Did she believe that?  My mom got super serious, looked directly into my dad’s eyes and said, “No.  You know, I’m just realizing this now, but I don’t know if you do.”

	My dad was shocked and didn’t answer so my mom continued.  “I don’t want to live here.  I don’t want to be here with you, especially after having watched you fail.  For the second time.  You are such a disappointment to me and I don’t know that you even care about me and what I want at all.”

	My dad was crying at this point.  “I just want to be able to make you happy, honey.  I want to be enough for you.  For our family to be enough.  I want my wife back and I want you to stop smoking.”

	It was the wrong thing.  My mom, who until those last two words, had been almost in tears, shut down.  She stared and then started laughing.  “I’m done. I’m out. Enjoy your life you limp-dick asshole.  I’ll have the papers mailed.”

	And she left.  Just like that, she was gone. I felt, numb. I felt almost like nothing changed really, though.  She had been getting more and more distant over the past two years.  Looking back on it, I think my dad and I both saw it coming and neither of us were surprised.  It was almost like finding out a roommate had moved out as she moved her things.  At least for me.  My dad was much more hurt than he let on, but he did what he always did and bottled it up.  It wasn’t until later that he started taking that anger out on the only target he had at the time.

	We spent two years avoiding each other.  Aaron was hoping to get into seminary school so he was working as a CNA at the nursing home and volunteering at the church.  Always gone.  My dad worked long hours and then came home to drink.  He slept on his chair.  So long as I didn’t disrupt him too much, but still got him some food, he left me alone.  I got good at being quiet and stealthy.  Skills that actually served me pretty well later. We had a tight balance on everything, but we all knew we were on the edge of breaking.  That break came in the form of a girl, Tracie.

The summer after I turned 15, I joined my dad at work on the farm.  I needed a place to work but couldn’t afford a car.  So it was either ride with dad to the farm or walk to the bar and pick up odd jobs paid out under the table.  I didn’t realize it, but my dad’s boss had a son in the class above me.  Luke.  Luke and I hit it off really well that summer.  We worked well together, talked about some of the things I’d learned online, Star Wars, the Cosmere, and the Office being our primary talking points.  We loved quoting random shows to each other to see who could remember more.

Eventually, Luke agreed to let me buy his old beat up car so long as I let him teach me to fix it.  I had just gotten my learner’s permit but never dreamt I’d be able to actually use it.  It took us an entire month to get it fixed, working evenings and weekends at his garage.  We finally got it running by the end of July.  And that, it just so happens is when Tracie enters the scene.

Alright, picture this.   You are a boy going through puberty, no real social interaction, particularly with girls, and the only things you’ve seen have been glimpses in a magazine.  I know, you think I would have used my phone for porn but I never did.  Not intentionally anyways.  That night with my dad and mom had been enough to steer me off the porn forever.  But, into that mindset walks the following:

The sliding van door opened to reveal an angel.  I could see the halo of light around her face as she looked at the new town.  Tracie got out of the van and slowly looked around.  I stared at her, spellbound by her beauty.  I glanced around, shocked that no one else seemed to notice.  Her long hair was unbound and cascaded down her back like a waterfall, except the bangs that hung just to her eyebrow line.  This served to frame out a young, smooth, face shining radiantly as she smiled.  Her eyes lit with wonder as she took in all the new things around her.  I followed Luke up to her, smiling as her face filled with recognition.

“Luke!” Tracie yelled out.  “Long time no see, cuz,” she leaned back and held a pose with her contorted hands over her chest.

“Uh, what are..uh…what are ya doin?” Luke was looking quickly up and down the street, clearly embarrassed.

“I don’t know, some kinda gang thing?  They have gangs here, right?” Tracie said with a laugh.  She hopped up and glanced to me.  She waved and smiled at me.  I don’t know what I did back, but it made her laugh.  I honestly have no idea. I do not feel like I was in control of my body at that time but was mesmerized by her.  “Who’s the dweeb?” she asked

My heart skipped at the word, dweeb.  “Well, it takes one to know one,” I replied instantly.  What?! I thought immediately after.  Who said that? That couldn’t have been me.

“Mmm,” Tracie replied smiling. “Witty too.  I like him.” She clapped her hands and threw her arms around the shoulders of Luke and me, standing between us.  “Now, let’s see what kind of trouble we can get into.”

Thus began what probably remains to this day as the greatest two weeks of my life.  Tracie and I hit it off immediately. She was there for a regular, yearly trip to the farm.  She worked with us during the day and we drove around at night when she wasn’t already busy with her family. We explored the county in a way I had never seen it before.  I saw it as beautiful for the first time.  Where I once saw old, crabby, run down people, I saw strong, independent, resourceful people.  It seemed like they were struggling against something else pushing them down.  And I wanted to help. I wanted to tell them it’ll be alright.  Because seriously, if there could be something so beautiful as Tracie in this world, everything was going to be OK.

After just a couple of days together, Tracie and I decided that we wanted to spend as much time together as possible.  We both knew she was going back home soon, though neither of us ever mentioned it.  I was so lucky that Luke’s family was welcoming because I did quite a few family events with them.  Lots of other people wanted to spend time with her but she seemed to only have eyes for me.  And I only felt a little bad to be stealing her from her family.

Her last night was there before we knew it.  Her family asked what she wanted to do and she asked for some time with friends.  She privately asked Luke if she could spend time with just me.  We all agreed and decided that Tracie and I would go for a private drive on her last night.  I know what you are thinking, but we did not have sex.  That was not on her mind or mine.  Ok well it was on our minds but we both wanted to wait.  Neither of us wanted to cross that bridge yet.  We held out hope that there would be a time in the future maybe, but it hadn’t come yet.

Anyways, it was truly magical.  We drove, we talked, we laughed.  We stopped and looked at stars and talked about our hopes and dreams.  For hours we just lied there in each other’s arms on the hood of the car that I had fixed myself.  I could not imagine life getting better than that moment.  To me, it felt like just a glimpse of heaven, and made me think about how truly wonderful heaven would be.  We stayed together until the sunrise and then I drove her back Luke.  Luke would then take her back home with the story that we drove together all night.  

I walked her to the waiting car, standing outside of it.  She turned to face me and I saw tears in the corners of her eyes.  She hugged me tightly, pressing her face firmly against my chest.  We stood like that for a long minute until she pulled back and looked up at me.  I looked down at her and watched in awe as she leaned up.  I leaned down until my lips met hers.  My heart stopped.  Fireworks exploded all around me.  My previous levels of happiness had been nothing.  I was and will always be truly in love with Tracie at that moment.  It was perfect.

It ended at exactly the right time and she turned to get into the car.  As she drove off, I could still feel her lips on mine.  I also felt her tear on my cheek.  I knew it would be the last time I would see her for a while.  I didn’t imagine her waiting for me or her expecting me to wait for her, but I would have.  If she had asked in that moment I would have given her the world.  But she didn’t.

As I watched the car drive off, I tried, and failed, not to cry.  I drove up to the house and looked with sadness at the dark front door.  All the color it had held for the past two weeks had quickly faded out.  As I walked through the door, I felt my gut collapse.  

I fell into the house and heard the door slam behind me.  I looked up at my dad, shocked and terrified at his rage.“Where have you been?” he yelled at me.  The menace in his voice was frightening.  I heard another door close down the hall toward my brother’s room.

“Out with Luke and Tracie,” I answered, gasping.

“Bullshit,” Roy replied.  He stepped back and kicked me in the hips.  My body crashed against the wall as he sent me flying.  “Do not lie to me,” he said as I rolled on the floor.  “I saw your buddy Luke cruisin’ around town.  Alone.  He ain’t never been alone these last two weeks.  It’s always been you and that niece of his.  You cloying over her like an idiot.  Now, I’m gonna ask you again.  Where have you been?”

I knew I was trapped.  I tried to think of anything, but couldn’t.  I sat back on my feet, kneeling before my dad.  “I was with Tracie,” I answered.

“Just the two of ya?” Roy replied.

I nodded.  His fist slammed against my gut again, knocking me to the floor.  “Do you have any idea what that means?  You screwing the boss’s niece?  Huh?  What that could mean for me? What that would mean for us? Huh?  You’re too chicken shit anyways, I’m sure you never really could screw her, but you wouldn’t even have to.  Just what you done tonight’d be enough.  She could make some claims, make up something that you did even if you didn’t do it.  And they’d never believe you. They’d be in the clear.  There’d be nothin’ we could do.”

I could barely track it.  He seemed to be rambling half to himself and half to me.  I didn’t know what to say, but I tried, “Dad, we didn’t do anything.  It’s ok.  I promise.”

He looked at me as if trying to figure out if he should believe me or not.  After a minute he came to himself and nodded.  He said, “Right, well she better not.  If she does say anything, I’ll get you again.”  I had no idea what that meant but I ran to my room.